Three round plastic tables sit on a sidewalk, surrounded by blue and white plastic chairs. To the right, several large bags of trash and plastic crates holding recycling.
This is Family Mart, convenience-store-turned-hangout for Western teachers and various local groupies.
Three men are at the middle table, looking out. The man on the right is bald, slightly overweight, with short-cropped hair and a trimmed goatee. He wears a blue shirt with vertical stripes and speaks with a Bosnian accent.
VLADO
Vere is everybody? I said 10 o’clock, didn’t I?
JOHN
Wendy said she worked until 9:45, so she might be a little late.
VLADO:
She’ll get left, man. It’s Alex’s birthday, we have to be there, you know? [Pauses] Did I ever tell you a story about a man who, from time to time, saw pink elephants?
General shaking of heads, some laughter.
VLADO
Alright, so…
Enter Lucy, a Brit, and Jane, a Scot, stage right.
Ah, Lucy, Jane. It isn’t every day you see two beautiful women walking down the street like that, eh?
JANE
How are you, Vlado?
VLADO
I am doing alright, it is Friday night, you know? Vun veek behind, and a veekend ahead to forget about it. Ve are good, man, f—ing vaiting for Vitney.
JOHN
Wait, you stopped your story about the man who saw pink elephants.
CHARLES-MICHAEL
From time to time…
VLADO
Yes, well, that is the story. What else is there to tell? He saw pink elephants!
JOHN
Oh, come on!
LUCY
You should tell another one, a real one.
VLADO
Yes, but Charlie is such a f—ing Quvaker, he doesn’t like my stories. [Pauses to think] Alright, alright. So, I am in the Yugoslavian Army, in 1991.
JOHN
I thought you were Canadian?
VLADO
My name is Vlado! And how do you think I got this accent, man? I am Yugoslavian, but now there is no Yugoslavia, it is Bosnia and it is a s—hole, so, I am Canadian. Anyways, I am in the Yugoslavian Army, and we are under siege. I was at the military academy, the best school in the whole country, and we are under attack, so now I am in the military.
I am in the first year, so I don’t have a gun; you don’t get a gun until second year. We stand around this wall, no guns. They tell us, “If you see someone jump over the wall, you say ‘Stop!’ If they do not stop, you say louder, ‘Stop or I will shoot!’ If they still do not stop, you shout, ‘Stop! I am shooting!’ If that does not stop them, go across the square to the sergeant’s room, he will go upstairs to the commander, and he will investigate the problem. When you have told the sergeant, go back outside to observe the intruder’s movements.
JANE
You must be kidding!
VLADO
No, man, it’s a true story. We had one sergeant, one hundred men and one sergeant, and he says to us, “I have a gun, I will protect you.” He was serious, you know, it was like Rambo or something,”I will protect you.” So, we are in our bunks, and the sergeant comes around to give out duty for the night. He comes to me and says, “Milosevic” (that is my last name, you know), “Milosevic, on duty.”
I froze, man, you know? I didn’t start crying or anything, I just froze; I couldn’t move. I mean, give me a break, for f—’s sake, I was fifteen, you know? It was like this moment where you are a boy and then you are a man.
On duty.
He didn’t say anything, I didn’t say anything, he just stared at me for a moment, frozen, and then he says, “Skipped.” No one was skipped, it was the army, you know, but he just looked at my face and said, “Skipped.” It was crazy, man. Crazy.
A moment of thoughtful silence. Enter Wendy stage right.
VLADO:
Ah, Vendy, Vendy! Vere have you been all my life? Hurry up and grab a beer for f—k’s sake, it’s time to go to Alex’s birthday party, so we will get cabs, ok? Four to a cab, it will be cheap. [Standing up] Alright, let’s go.
Posted by Bruce 